Dear Summer, today would have been your first day in this world


Dear Summer,

Today would have been your first day in this world. If the doctor's prediction was right, today we would have been celebrating the coming of a gift we waited for a long time. But you came too early and left us with no warning.

The day you came to this world prematurely was the most heartbreaking day of our lives. Seeing you alive and healthy and holding your warm hands for the first time is pure bliss. But knowing that that moment would only last for a few hours was grief of no match.

I can still remember how calmly you breathe
and the warmth of your hand. 
Five months too young…four months too early. We prayed you would survive but even if I did not believe in the science of the doctor, I only had myself to believe in.

We are always missing you, our Summer. Your mother, Kai, would always remind me of your adorable silent cry she heard when you came out. It's a memory so fresh and every time she tells me about it her eyes glimmer with joy. She's a beautiful and loving woman, son.

Her beauty even bloomed more when you were inside her. You were her universe and the energy of her love for you reflected on her face.  She is one tough person inside and that's a fact I learned only after you were gone.

You were her universe and the energy of her love for you reflected on her face.
This was in Milbuk, our first #traveltherapy two weeks after we met you. 
Her beauty held so much pain but she never backed down. She’s getting better now. Traveling for some sunshine and wandering in unfamiliar places were the essential part of the process of her recovery...and of our healing. If only all went well, you would have been part of our every adventures, son.

You were one lucky boy. Every day was a celebrated anticipation when you were still inside your mom. And every task during the pregnancy stage was like an adventure we were always excited to accomplish. 

My eyes were brimming with tears the first time I saw you. But I never failed to notice right then how  you got my facial and body features. Your big ears, the color of your skin, your nose and your tiny feet that seemed well-shaped to grow for trekking the mountains and strolling the world. 

A trek to Lake Holon would have been your first adventure. The sands of Gumasa, Glan would have been your first beach bumming spot.

I managed to smile amid the heartbreak. But a piece of me died knowing I have limited time to hear your heart beating and feel the warmth of your body.

We gave more than our best and that tested our dedication. But just when we thought everything was alright we were reminded that we are just humans - that we just don’t control everything and that surrendering was the first step to liberation from pain. 

Summer was your "stage name", son. Our friends and family called you the same. It is from the time of the year when your mother and I would escape to outdoors more often. It is when flowers are in bloom and the world is more alive. You kept us more alive. 

Your official name in the records was Malaia. It means Freedom like what you have now. Wander the universe freely, our little angel. Where you are the adventure never ends. 

Today would have been your first day in this world. We had a little celebration. We lighted a candle for you, as we promised, to commemorate your brief presence and how it changed us forever.

We will always be thankful we got to feel your life in two short hours. I wish it lasted longer. But two hours can't last forever. 

You left just as the summer season was about to end. Like summer, you had to give way to the next season.

We believe that the next season will be of better days. We are moving on.

We miss you and we love you, son!

Your father,

Louie


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16 comments:

  1. Hi Louie, what a heartwarming read. I wrote a letter for our baby, too. It was tough, I feel you! Sharing it here if you don't mind. http://bit.ly/1x5fORf

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    1. Hi kit, i read your piece. sad, but we're blessed to have an angel with us na, d ba? Hehe. They're part of the #ByahengMindanaw team na.

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  2. I'm glad and blessed to see that you're moving on from this with such a healthy perspective Louie. The pain and longing will always be there somehow but from the same place, you can also draw strength. Prayers and warm wishes for you and Kai as you go face the new season in your lives.

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    1. Cheers, Rina! The only way is forward. Excited for the next season. :-)
      Take good care of the twins! Happy for you.
      Regards!

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  3. I can feel you Luy. I can feel the pain inside but I know soon you'll get healed. Bear in mind, up there in heaven, you got an angel watching over you and Kai. I'm looking forward to see the future Summer you and Kai will have soon Luy. :)

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    1. Healing is a process, brod Olan. We're getting there. Thanks. Yep, the little boy is watching over us in our adventures. Team #ByahengMindanaw na pud sya. :-)
      We're excited for the next season. cheers, Olan.

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  4. I can't imagine how painful his could be for you and your wife. But the only way is to move forward. You now have an angel in heaven. Prayers for you and your wife Kuya Louie. God bless.

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  5. *sob

    another angel will be coming Kuya Louie :)

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  6. God loves you both Kuya! God bless you ;)

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  7. I admire you both for being strong! God bless your journey till the next Summer^__^

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  8. Malaia -- one of the most lovely names I've encountered this month. The other one's a name of a young local in Marinduque -- Amara.

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